If you are looking for me to say how much I hate my life with bipolar 2 disorder, you will not find it in this post. It does not define me, but it is a significant part of who I am. If you erase bipolar, you erase me as a whole. I am never going to live without it, and I want to give others a taste of my reality. I do not place pressure on myself to be perfect. I am honest. This is my mind; this is my journey. Here is a little bit of what it is like to live in the mind of a 28-year-old diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder.

A Constant Marathon Of The Mind.

You are coasting along a straight path, then you struggle to get up that hill. The pain is almost a high. One moment you have no energy, another too much. You feel like you are about to break, but you can’t stop, you have to keep running.

My mind is like an ongoing story, that pauses when I go to sleep, and immediately starts again when my eyes open. You never know where the story will go or what emotions it will bring out of you. It’s exciting and petrifying all at the same time. There are moments when your mind is running so fast it is almost painful. It never stops and is both exhausting and exhilarating.

You Are Never Content.

I will spend my life shooting to for the moon and the minute I land on it I will be disappointed because I didn’t make it to the stars. The day I graduated from the College, all I could think about was “You can do better!” When you live with bipolar, you can always do more, be more and reach higher. It is the reason I am successful but also the reason I constantly question myself. In my world being content is when everything stops, and standing still is my worse fear.

Your Emotions Run Deep.

I hear a song and feel the emotion inside the singer’s voice. I smell a flower and can explore its growth. I am empathetic in a way that is almost magical. I can sense other people’s pain to the point it keeps me up at night. I do not behave based on what I know; I behave based on what I feel. I laugh as hard as I cry, I hurt as hard as I love. When I can’t feel emotions, I feel as though I cannot breathe. I cannot write and cannot think. My emotions run deep.

You Feel Like You Are Constantly Treading Water.

Everyday my eyes open, and I have to tell myself to do everything I can to keep my head above water. I live my life on the edge, which only means I am that much closer to rock bottom. You are constantly self-conscious about feeling too much or feeling too little. Society is screaming at you and trying to persuade you to believe you are wrong. Some days are harder than others, but I refuse to drown.

The Lows Are Beyond Explanation.

The lows are beyond explanation and I will do anything to stay away from them. It is debilitating. You are screaming at the top of your lungs, but no one can hear you. It is not a headache, it is a cloud in your head that makes it almost impossible to see. You have no energy to speak. You are empty. You are numb. The light at the end of the tunnel seems so far, but now I know that the light is always there. I just have to work towards finding it when darkness is blinding me.

Heres What I Know…

I was born with this mind, and I would never choose to live without it. I do not know what it is like to live without bipolar disorder. In my life, what we deem as a “normal” mind is something I am petrified off. It is so unfamiliar to me. I have worked towards finding a treatment plan that allows me to thrive as an individual with bipolar disorder, and the first step was being bold about the life I wanted. I took control back into my hands and stopped allowing society to define my mind. It is a challenge, but it also allows me to see the world in a way that others cannot. I stopped fighting against bipolar a long time I go. I work with it now as a companion.

The first time I went swimming in the ocean, the lifeguard told me that if I got caught in the current, I had to swim with it. He told me-“If you fight against it, you will drown because it is much more powerful than you. You have to ride with it, that is how you survive.”

For more mental health content follow me on Instagram @halfway2hannah

Check out my new video-‘Stigma Takes Lives,’ about the mental health crisis and suicide epidemic.

 

 

 

 

 

29 comments

      1. Thank tou for writing this. I was recently diagnosed and I have had a really hard time. Accepting it. This is exactly what I go through everyday. You couldn’t have written it better ! I hope to one day be as strong as you

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  1. This is beautiful. I’ve tried many times to give others an idea of what a rapid cycle bipolar /bipolar 2 mind is like. This is the best explanation that I’ve found. Thank you.

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  2. Thank you, Hannah. I am a bipolar 2 and I know the exact struggles you face, because I face them too. It is hard sometimes to make sense of the things. The racing thoughts sometimes that come to me drive me up a wall. Sometimes I just have to ride the wave of endless thoughts. What you are doing to work through the mental illness is some of the exact same things I am doing. Of course, medication always does help.I’m reminded that the battle is not to the swift, but it is how I learn to endure it. Thank you again for your insight.

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  3. Thank you for sharing your life with us…I do not have bipolar but my husband was recently diagnosed with it and it looks like our 8 year old son has early onset bipolar…my husband doesn’t like taking his meds because it makes him really tired, but also because it stops that high feeling that he loves so much…he’s been living about taking his meds, but I know him so well and he can’t hide his moods…I’ve ended up ill myself doing everything to keep him on track…I will never give up, I love him too much, but sometimes it’s such a struggle…the kids have learnt when to let his nasty words go over their heads and not to get upset when he’s on a manic episode…I’m reading everything I can to help me better understand him…thanks again for helping me without even realizing it…😊

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    1. Belinda, thank you for sharing this with me. It is definitely a struggle, and being overly sedated is terrible. You are not alone, and you are supported. Do not be afraid to reach out for help. Sending love-

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  4. When I’m well I don’t feel like I experience any symptoms at all. I feel productive. I feel like i’m thriving. The problem is that doesn’t happen very often. Depression is a thousand pounds on my shoulders. It’s the worst and I don’t wish it on anybody. I am so happy to have gotten out of those dark wholes.
    I’m not depressed these days, thank God. I haven’t been depressed since May 2017. I feel good, strong and somewhat focused. Even when I am depressed I get flashes of racing thoughts and euphoria. It sometimes too much to take.
    Do you think writing helps you stay well? I do. I started a blog with blogger but think i’m going to switch it to wordpress cause this is where all the people are at!
    Thanks for writing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Alex! Thank you for commenting and being so open. I am so happy to hear that you are doing well right now. If I can give you some advice it would be to prepare always for those depressive days. When you live with bipolar it is inventible that we will go up and down, that is just our reality, but that is okay. As long as we prepare and know that those days will not last it helps a lot. I think writing does wonders, many people with a mental illness are great writers. Definitely switch to WordPress, it is the platform for serious bloggers, however, I will tell you that it takes a while to get the hang of, but thats what makes it legit! Good luck! Send me the link when you have it up. Sending love always! -Hannah

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