Inside the Mind of a 28-Year-Old With Bipolar 2

If you are looking for me to say how much I hate my life with bipolar 2 disorder, you will not find it in this post. It does not define me, but it is a major part of who I am. If you erase my bipolar disorder, you erase me as a whole. I am never going to live without it, and I want to give others a taste of my reality. I do not place pressure on myself to be perfect. I am honest. This is my mind; this is my journey. Here is a little bit of what it is like to live in the mind of a 28-year-old diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder.

A Constant Marathon Of The Mind.

You are coasting along a straight path, then you struggle to get up that hill.  The pain is almost a high.  One moment you have no energy, another too much.  You feel like you are about to break, but don’t stop, you have to keep running.

My mind is like an ongoing story, that pauses when I go to sleep, and immediately starts up again when my eyes open. Never knowing where the story will go or what emotions it will bring out of you. Its exciting and petrifying all at the same time. There are moments when your mind is running so fast it is almost painful. Other times it allows you to see the world with depth, and gives you the ability to create. Regardless, it never stops, it is both exhausting and exhilarating.

So what do I do…Learning to harness my thoughts and utilizing my creativity to redirect my focus.

You Are Never Content.

If God had Bipolar, He would not have created the Earth in 7 days. He would still be in the creative process. The day I graduated from the College, all I could think about was “You can do better!  You have to do more Hannah! Nothing is ever good enough, and relaxing while patting yourself on the back is nearly impossible. Being content in my mind is one step from slipping off the balance beam.

So what do I do…I breathe more often, and I breathe deeper. I have added exercise of mind and body like yoga.

Your Emotions Run Deep.

I hear a song and feel the pain inside the singer’s voice. I smell a flower and can feel its growth. I am sensitive to other people’s pain and hurt, to the point it keeps me up at night. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night crying so hard I cannot breathe.  I laugh as hard as I cry, I hurt as hard as I love.

So what do I do…I turn my pain into art by writing, drawing and creating to express these emotions.  Exercise gives me a healthy release.

You Feel Like You Are Constantly Treading Water.

Everyday my eyes open, and I have to tell myself to do everything I can to keep my head above water.  I am one slip from falling to the bottom on a daily basis.  Some days are harder than others, but I refuse to drown.

So what do I do…I keep moving forward.  I keep active.  I do not talk about my “struggle” often.  I volunteer to help others outside of myself.

The Lows Are Beyond Explanation.

You are screaming at the top of your lungs, but no one can hear you.  It is not a headache, it is a cloud in your head that makes it almost impossible to see.  You have no energy to speak.  You are empty.  You are numb.  The light at the end of the tunnel seems so far.

So what do I do…Again, I turn these moments into some form of art.  I set a goal for myself every day, and hold myself to it. I remind myself that tomorrow is a brand new day.

 

 

 

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29 thoughts on “Inside the Mind of a 28-Year-Old With Bipolar 2

  • This is beautiful. I’ve tried many times to give others an idea of what a rapid cycle bipolar /bipolar 2 mind is like. This is the best explanation that I’ve found. Thank you.

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  • Thank you, Hannah. I am a bipolar 2 and I know the exact struggles you face, because I face them too. It is hard sometimes to make sense of the things. The racing thoughts sometimes that come to me drive me up a wall. Sometimes I just have to ride the wave of endless thoughts. What you are doing to work through the mental illness is some of the exact same things I am doing. Of course, medication always does help.I’m reminded that the battle is not to the swift, but it is how I learn to endure it. Thank you again for your insight.

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  • Thank you for sharing your life with us…I do not have bipolar but my husband was recently diagnosed with it and it looks like our 8 year old son has early onset bipolar…my husband doesn’t like taking his meds because it makes him really tired, but also because it stops that high feeling that he loves so much…he’s been living about taking his meds, but I know him so well and he can’t hide his moods…I’ve ended up ill myself doing everything to keep him on track…I will never give up, I love him too much, but sometimes it’s such a struggle…the kids have learnt when to let his nasty words go over their heads and not to get upset when he’s on a manic episode…I’m reading everything I can to help me better understand him…thanks again for helping me without even realizing it…😊

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    • Belinda, thank you for sharing this with me. It is definitely a struggle, and being overly sedated is terrible. You are not alone, and you are supported. Do not be afraid to reach out for help. Sending love-

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  • When I’m well I don’t feel like I experience any symptoms at all. I feel productive. I feel like i’m thriving. The problem is that doesn’t happen very often. Depression is a thousand pounds on my shoulders. It’s the worst and I don’t wish it on anybody. I am so happy to have gotten out of those dark wholes.
    I’m not depressed these days, thank God. I haven’t been depressed since May 2017. I feel good, strong and somewhat focused. Even when I am depressed I get flashes of racing thoughts and euphoria. It sometimes too much to take.
    Do you think writing helps you stay well? I do. I started a blog with blogger but think i’m going to switch it to wordpress cause this is where all the people are at!
    Thanks for writing!

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    • Hi Alex! Thank you for commenting and being so open. I am so happy to hear that you are doing well right now. If I can give you some advice it would be to prepare always for those depressive days. When you live with bipolar it is inventible that we will go up and down, that is just our reality, but that is okay. As long as we prepare and know that those days will not last it helps a lot. I think writing does wonders, many people with a mental illness are great writers. Definitely switch to WordPress, it is the platform for serious bloggers, however, I will tell you that it takes a while to get the hang of, but thats what makes it legit! Good luck! Send me the link when you have it up. Sending love always! -Hannah

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